True Joy is giving without remembering.
Love is compassion with no distinction!
Love is compassion with no distinction!
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Monday, January 7, 2008
Dharma jokes - small doses....
Q: Why don't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
A: Because they have no attachments.
Q: What did a Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.
Q: What is the name of the best Zen teacher?
A: M.T. Ness
Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they are the light bulb.
Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three -- one to change it, one to not-change it and one to both change- and not-change it.
Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Tree falling in the forest.
Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana.
Q: What did one Zen practitioner give to another for his/her birthday?
A: Nothing.
Q: What did the birthday boy/girl respond in return?
A: You are thoughtless for giving me this meaningless gift.
To which the giver replied, "Thank you."
Disciple: "Master, why did Bodhidharma come from the West?"
Master: "Ask that post over there."
Disciple: "I don't understand"
Master: "Neither do I."
Q: How do I become a Lama?
A: Go to a monastic university and study for twenty-five years. Begin by memorizing Vasubandhu's Abhidharmakosha with its commentary (500 pages or so). Then study what you have memorised by hearing lectures on it and debating the contents with other candidates until you can argue every side of every controversy equally well. Then memorise several works of Nagarjuna, along with their commentaries. Then memorise the seven treatises of Dharmakirti. In additional to that study, you must master several forms of meditation and study tantric rituals for about two or three years.
Alternatively, you can come to America and just call yourself a lama. Billions of nubile virgins will follow you everywhere and give you money.
Q: How many wives does Buddhism allow?
A: You may have as many as your tolerance for misery can bear.
Q: Why are there so few Buddhist rhythm and blues bands?
A: Because Buddhists don't have any soul.
Q: What does a Buddhist wish someone on their birthday?
A: May you have many happy returns.
A: Because they have no attachments.
Q: What did a Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.
Q: What is the name of the best Zen teacher?
A: M.T. Ness
Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they are the light bulb.
Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three -- one to change it, one to not-change it and one to both change- and not-change it.
Q: How many Zen buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Tree falling in the forest.
Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana.
Q: What did one Zen practitioner give to another for his/her birthday?
A: Nothing.
Q: What did the birthday boy/girl respond in return?
A: You are thoughtless for giving me this meaningless gift.
To which the giver replied, "Thank you."
Disciple: "Master, why did Bodhidharma come from the West?"
Master: "Ask that post over there."
Disciple: "I don't understand"
Master: "Neither do I."
Q: How do I become a Lama?
A: Go to a monastic university and study for twenty-five years. Begin by memorizing Vasubandhu's Abhidharmakosha with its commentary (500 pages or so). Then study what you have memorised by hearing lectures on it and debating the contents with other candidates until you can argue every side of every controversy equally well. Then memorise several works of Nagarjuna, along with their commentaries. Then memorise the seven treatises of Dharmakirti. In additional to that study, you must master several forms of meditation and study tantric rituals for about two or three years.
Alternatively, you can come to America and just call yourself a lama. Billions of nubile virgins will follow you everywhere and give you money.
Q: How many wives does Buddhism allow?
A: You may have as many as your tolerance for misery can bear.
Q: Why are there so few Buddhist rhythm and blues bands?
A: Because Buddhists don't have any soul.
Q: What does a Buddhist wish someone on their birthday?
A: May you have many happy returns.
MULTI-FAITH LIGHT BULB JOKES
MULTI-FAITH LIGHT BULB JOKES:
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two - one to change the bulb, and one to not change the bulb.
Q: How many Taoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: No takers. The idea that the bulb changing is merely a human mental formulation. It is not the Tao.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but the bulb must want to change.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: (with mournful Yiddish accent) Don’t worry about me; I’ll just sit here in the -dark.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Q /A: How many can you afford?
Multidimensional Jokes (I)
MULTI-FAITH JOKE
A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved. “What should I pay you?” the monk asks.
“No price, for a holy man such as yourself,” the barber replies.
And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.
That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. “What shall I pay you, my son?”
“No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself.”
And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses.
That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. “What do you want I should pay you?”
“Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself.”
And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep a dozen rabbis!
A Buddhist monk goes to a barber to have his head shaved. “What should I pay you?” the monk asks.
“No price, for a holy man such as yourself,” the barber replies.
And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones.
That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. “What shall I pay you, my son?”
“No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself.”
And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses.
That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. “What do you want I should pay you?”
“Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself.”
And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep a dozen rabbis!
Dharma jokes this time! Jokes (i)
Entrance Exam
A Christian, a Muslim and a Buddhist die and arrive at the Gate of Heaven. An angel (or deva) stops them and asks, “Why do you come here? Can you tell me the reasons why you are allowed to enter Heaven?”
The Christian replies, “My ancestors disobeyed God, and I sinned all my life: I killed, I lied, I cheated my wife and I was greedy. However, Jesus died for me and all my sins are forgiven. So I deserve to enter Heaven.”
“OK,” replies the Angel. “Sounds good, but I must give you an entrance examination before you can enter.” The Christian promptly agrees and the Angel asks him: “How do you spell God?” It is an easy question, and the Christian passes through the Gate.
Next came the Muslim, who says, “I did not do any especially good or evil things during my life but I was very devout. I prayed to God five times a day. So, I too should enter Heaven.” The Angel replies, “It sounds OK to me, but I have to give you a test also. How do you spell Allah?” The Muslim passes the test and enters Heaven.
Finally, it is the Buddhist’s turn. He tells the Angel, “I’ve done all the good things in my life and I followed Buddha’s five precepts: I never killed, I donated to charities, I meditated every day, and I never cheated my boss nor my customers.” The Angel replies, “That is very good, but there are no exceptions. You must pass the entrance test also in order to get in.” Thinking that the test should be simple, the Buddhist happily agrees.
The Angel then asks him: “How do you spell Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva?”
A Christian, a Muslim and a Buddhist die and arrive at the Gate of Heaven. An angel (or deva) stops them and asks, “Why do you come here? Can you tell me the reasons why you are allowed to enter Heaven?”
The Christian replies, “My ancestors disobeyed God, and I sinned all my life: I killed, I lied, I cheated my wife and I was greedy. However, Jesus died for me and all my sins are forgiven. So I deserve to enter Heaven.”
“OK,” replies the Angel. “Sounds good, but I must give you an entrance examination before you can enter.” The Christian promptly agrees and the Angel asks him: “How do you spell God?” It is an easy question, and the Christian passes through the Gate.
Next came the Muslim, who says, “I did not do any especially good or evil things during my life but I was very devout. I prayed to God five times a day. So, I too should enter Heaven.” The Angel replies, “It sounds OK to me, but I have to give you a test also. How do you spell Allah?” The Muslim passes the test and enters Heaven.
Finally, it is the Buddhist’s turn. He tells the Angel, “I’ve done all the good things in my life and I followed Buddha’s five precepts: I never killed, I donated to charities, I meditated every day, and I never cheated my boss nor my customers.” The Angel replies, “That is very good, but there are no exceptions. You must pass the entrance test also in order to get in.” Thinking that the test should be simple, the Buddhist happily agrees.
The Angel then asks him: “How do you spell Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva?”
(I have just discussed with my students this name of Guanyin Bodhisattva last week in my translation class at FGS - well, that's what we call Synchronicity!)
Translation Jokes (V)
English is a Crazy Language
by Richard Lederer
Let's face it: English is a crazy language.There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. And while no one knows what is in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it isn't canine.
English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads,which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted.But if we explore its paradoxes,we find that quicksand can work slowly,boxing rings are square,and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.And why is it that writers write,but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce,and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth,why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese?Is cheese the plural of choose?One mouse, 2 mice.One louse, 2 lice.One house, 2 hice ?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?If a vegetarian eats vegetables,what does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship?Have noses that run and feet that smell?Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?How can the weather be hot as Hell one day and cold as Hell another?
When a house burns up, it burns down.You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
You get in and out of a car,yet you get on and off a bus.
When the stars are out, they are visible,but when the lights are out, they are invisible.And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it,but when I wind up this essay, I end it?
English is a silly language ...it doesn't know if it is coming or going !!
by Richard Lederer
Let's face it: English is a crazy language.There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. And while no one knows what is in a hotdog, you can be pretty sure it isn't canine.
English muffins were not invented in England nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads,which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted.But if we explore its paradoxes,we find that quicksand can work slowly,boxing rings are square,and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.And why is it that writers write,but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce,and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth,why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese?Is cheese the plural of choose?One mouse, 2 mice.One louse, 2 lice.One house, 2 hice ?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?If a vegetarian eats vegetables,what does a humanitarian eat?
Why do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?Ship by truck or car and send cargo by ship?Have noses that run and feet that smell?Park on driveways and drive on parkways?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?How can the weather be hot as Hell one day and cold as Hell another?
When a house burns up, it burns down.You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on.
You get in and out of a car,yet you get on and off a bus.
When the stars are out, they are visible,but when the lights are out, they are invisible.And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it,but when I wind up this essay, I end it?
English is a silly language ...it doesn't know if it is coming or going !!
Translation Jokes (IV)
Language Barrier
Two highway workers were busy working at a construction site when a big carwith diplomatic license plates pulled up.
"Parlez-vous français?" the driver asks them.
The twoworkers just stared.
"Sprechen Sie Deutsch?" The two continued to stare at him.
"Fala português?" Neither worker said anything.
"Parlate Italiano?" Still no response.
Finally, the man drives off in disgust.
One worker turned to the other and said, "Gee, maybe we should learn aforeign language..."
"What for? That guy knew four of them and what good did it do him?"
Two highway workers were busy working at a construction site when a big carwith diplomatic license plates pulled up.
"Parlez-vous français?" the driver asks them.
The twoworkers just stared.
"Sprechen Sie Deutsch?" The two continued to stare at him.
"Fala português?" Neither worker said anything.
"Parlate Italiano?" Still no response.
Finally, the man drives off in disgust.
One worker turned to the other and said, "Gee, maybe we should learn aforeign language..."
"What for? That guy knew four of them and what good did it do him?"
Translation Jokes (III)
The Butchery of English, as 'done' across the world
• In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
• In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
• In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
• In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin shoudl enter more persons, each one should press number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
• In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
• In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
• In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
• In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
• In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetry where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
• In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to parambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
• On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave nothing to hope for.
• On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
• In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
• Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
• In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.
• Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
• In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is a big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
• Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
• In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
• In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
• A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
• In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
• In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by latest Methodists.
• A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
• In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
• In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours we guarantee no miscarriages.
• Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
• On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
• In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
• On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
• Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
• In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today no ice cream.
• In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
• In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for ladies with nutes.
• In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
• On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
• In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
• At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
• In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women an other diseases.
• In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
• In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
• From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
• From the brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
• In a Tokyo hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
• In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
• In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.
• In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin shoudl enter more persons, each one should press number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.
• In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.
• In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
• In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.
• In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.
• In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetry where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.
• In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to parambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
• On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave nothing to hope for.
• On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
• In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.
• Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
• In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.
• Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.
• In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is a big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
• Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.
• In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
• In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.
• A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.
• In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.
• In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by latest Methodists.
• A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
• In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
• In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours we guarantee no miscarriages.
• Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your own ass?
• On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.
• In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from their own skin.
• On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.
• Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
• In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today no ice cream.
• In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.
• In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for ladies with nutes.
• In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send them in all directions.
• On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
• In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
• At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
• In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women an other diseases.
• In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the water served here.
• In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.
• From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.
• From the brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.
Translation Jokes (II)
Deadlines
Translator gets 400 words to translate.
Client : How long will it take?
Translator : About a week.
Client : A whole week for just 400 words? God created the world in 6days.
Translator : Then just take a look at this world and afterwards take a look at my translation.
Translator gets 400 words to translate.
Client : How long will it take?
Translator : About a week.
Client : A whole week for just 400 words? God created the world in 6days.
Translator : Then just take a look at this world and afterwards take a look at my translation.
Translation Jokes (I)
Help!
Two translators on a ship are talking."Can you swim?" asks one.
"No" says the other, "but I can shout for help in nine languages."
Two translators on a ship are talking."Can you swim?" asks one.
"No" says the other, "but I can shout for help in nine languages."
To make the long stories short....
To make a long story short...
A missionary goes to Africa to visit a community, a very old, primitive tribal community. He gives a long sermon. For half an hour he tells a long anecdote, and then the interpreter stands up. He speaks only four words and everyone laughs uproariously. The missionary is puzzled. How is it possible that a story half an hour long can be translated in four words. What kind of amazing language is this? Puzzled, he says to the interpreter, "You have done a miracle. You have spoken only four words. I don't know what you said, but how can you translate my story, which was so long, into only four words?"
The interpreter says, "Story too long, so I say, 'He says joke -- laugh!' "
A missionary goes to Africa to visit a community, a very old, primitive tribal community. He gives a long sermon. For half an hour he tells a long anecdote, and then the interpreter stands up. He speaks only four words and everyone laughs uproariously. The missionary is puzzled. How is it possible that a story half an hour long can be translated in four words. What kind of amazing language is this? Puzzled, he says to the interpreter, "You have done a miracle. You have spoken only four words. I don't know what you said, but how can you translate my story, which was so long, into only four words?"
The interpreter says, "Story too long, so I say, 'He says joke -- laugh!' "
Let's Translate and Transform!
This is a Sacred Garden of Love, Light and Laughter!
We translate normal life experiences into wondrous dreams.
We transfrom our negativities into glimpses of Enlightenment.
It's about translation, spirituality, Dharma and all other similar stuffs.
So let's get started by sharing and growing together!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
